Digital arts 322 and 422
instructor Bogdan Achimescu
preliminary script for class project

 

this is part of the 322-422 class project

premise:

Did you notice how news is redundant, re-dumbant, dumb, uninformative and repetitive to the point of having no content at all?
A recent CNN Headline News webpage brings us two headline news and two photographs:

Is "Tariq Aziz" the sister of the "Iraqi leader Tariq Aziz"? They sure do look alike. One of the articles surely informs us that "Tariq Aziz has been captured". The other one goes more in-depth: "Tariq Aziz is in custody".

What about the same content on several TV stations, where informationwise A and B is less than A+B?

And why on Earth is everything on fire (or made of ice, or rainbows)?

Then there are the logos, scrolling texts and other nonsense. We keep buying bigger and bigger TV's - they clutter the screen more and more.

Then there are the dudes. There are four or five of them. These four or five dudes that are on TV all the time. All of them are males in their fifties, sixties, seventies and mental teeens, all white, all have ties. All of them are capable of answering "what's the time?" with 850 words, without telling you the time.

Then there are the simulations. 3D simulations of everything: how does your lawnmower work? How did the missile fly? How does DNA "look"? How did allegedly the alledged OJ Simpson allegedly flee? and where the f*#%• are we?

Finally, the allegories, moving or still images that look like bad 70-ies porn magazine covers or postcards from the Soviet Union printed on recycled TP:

Most speakers have TV's behind them Why?? I already got mine and he's turned his back on those tv's, turn the dang thing off!

There are only 3 fonts used in TV work, all nasty why?

ETC< ETC< ETC

 

I figured - we can do a newscast like this one, even worse.
We will do a program, a short one, that is

less informative
kitchier
uglier
dumber

and more laughable than even FOXtv. Well, almost, but it doesn't hurt to shoot for the stars...

draft script, ®Bogdan Achimescu 2003:

[the screen displays a glitzy, kitschy enchilada of eagles, spinning globes, troops running, a dude speaking in a microphone, a wounded man pleading for help, an airplane, a supermarket caddy. Three-dimensional letters fly on a wacky trajectory, morph, swell and warp, finally form the phrase “KRP news at 7”. Dominant colors: gold, chroma blue, red, electric teeth-shattering green]
[one can hear a loud musical jingle, seemingly a mix of three components: military music, noodle advertising, action movie soundtrack]
[Martha and Rick appear, Martha with a ridiculous hairdo “a la cash register”, Rick with a smile and a plethora of pens in his pocket. There are lots of TV screens behind them, inundated in a bluefish haze and displaying random stuff. In the background and out of focus, some people in white shirts sit, stand up, hand each other sheets of paper, enter and exit, none of this makes any sense whatsoever.]
M - Hello and good evening on this Tuesday night, I am Martha Buffalo
r - and I am Rick Peguin
m - Here are the top stories for the hour:
[the screen changes to a split-screen:
the bottom portion starts displaying useless series of numbers like weather, stock options, trivia, logos, funnies.
from now on, the top now is reserved for a mix of filmed images, simulation animation, maps, charts, night vision, still photos, low resolution stuff, etc.
this salad stays like this through most of the transmission, with the exception of the periods immediately after the commercials]
[the music kicks in again, sounding like something thrilling is about to happen]
[the bottom part of the split-screen displays a scrolling “where is Sonja?” soon replaced b by unrelated stuff]
r- A search for a thirteen-year-old elephant from the Belgrade zoo is underway in Belgrade, where the animal is reported escaped. Early reports indicate her Belgradian groomer last saw her in the evening, when he was feeding her. We connect to our special envoy in Belgrade, Spain, Eleanor Pink. We apologize for the quality of the transmission.
[the screen splits into yet another, smaller square, a really crappy image appears, littered by compression artifacts and occasional freezes. The painter Richter might like it. Eleanor is outside in the wind and the pops in the audio make her speech barely understandable. There is a lag of a few seconds between R’s question and her answer, during which Eleanor holds her ear and stares diagonally into the ground, looking preoccupied.]
r – Eleanor, we hear here that an elephant has escaped from the Barcelona zoo, what can you tell us about it?
[lag]
e- Rick, we were told that an elephant, called Sonja is reported missing from the zoo after the caretaker fed it last night. The authorities have not released more information yet, but we expect a press conference soon.
r- Any reaction from the markets there? We know Turkish economy is very responsive to these kinds of events?
[lag]
e- No, there were no witnesses.
r- Eleanor, let me repeat my question, is there any market fluctuation on the Bulgarian stock market related to this event?
[lag]
e- No, Rick, as I said, it happened during the night and the elephant’s name is Sonja. Back to you.
[back to the studio]
r- Thank you Eleanor! Our top story here:
An elephant or a camel is reported missing from the Budapest zoo, our correspondent Eleanor Pink is there for us via satellite link – we apologize for the quality of the transmission. We will get back to you as soon as new details emerge.
[glances at his paperwork]
More news on the hour:
[First a frame appears, then Rick’s image is replaced by MOS footage: a man in a suit shaking hands with other men is suits, a man poking a water puddle with a stick, trees, a smiling woman with a giant turnip]
m- President Gerald Tree meets the sheet metalworkers and tennis instructors from Buttpluck Idaho in what appears to be the beginning of the last year’s campaign
r- and researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Polar Hibernation think you can improve your life by taking a walk every day
m- an unusually average day in Connecticut
r- and – can a large vegetable change the fate of a small business
m- but first a reminder of the main news, after the break:
[insert stupendous ad of obviously malfunctioning wheelchairs here]
r- Back to your breaking news with Rick Peguin…
m- and Martha Buffalo
r- An elephant or a camel from the Belfast zoo has escaped last night – the authorities say. The groomer wanted to feed it in the morning and did not find it. Eleanor Pink is in the Greek capital to give you the latest. Eleanor?
[split screen again; this time, while Eleanor continues about the elephant, really bad news scroll in a text form at the bottom of the screen: earthquakes, riots, epidemics, mass extortion, lawsuits, bankruptcies, 401k evaporation, oil spills, bad concerts, a small child has played with some buttons in a nuclear power plant in Whichmageestan, Gerald has lost the elections hence he’s in charge again etc]
e- Rick, the news here is that an elephant called Sonja, a pachidermus horribilis
[Eleanor reads that last term from a sheet of paper] has escaped the zoo. The caretaker wanted to feed it but it was gone.
r- We are hearing here that it might have been a camel. Do you have any information on that?
e- Rick, we don’t know anything yet, the press conference is scheduled soon.
r- How did the elephant or camel escape?
e- Rick there is a lot of speculation here, preliminary information indicates a tunnel or accomplices within the zoo personnel. Remember, the last time large animals disappeared here it is actually the public that has eaten them.
r- Thank you Eleanor – back to our studio and the news on the hour.
m- [smiles and takes on a ‘joking’ mode] Rick, would you like to eat an elephant??
r- I don’t think so, last time I had one it was not good. laughs.
m- laughs and her laughter merges into the next phrase although her face stays serious- In other recent developments around the world:
[Martha and Rick brainlessly repeat the phrases uttered a minute ago. their mimic has nothing to do with what they reports about]
[again, MOS footage of a man in a suit shaking hands with other men is suits, a man poking a water puddle with a stick, trees, a smiling woman with a giant turnip]
m- President Gerald Tree meets the sheetmetalworkers and tennis instructors from Buttpluck Idaho in what appears to be the beginning of the next year’s campaign...
r- and researchers from the Massachusets Institute of Polar Hibernation think you can improve your life by taking a walk every day...
m- an unusually average day in Connecticut...
r- and – can a large vegetable change the fate of a small business...
m- but first a reminder of the main news, after the break:
[insert stupendous ad of obviously malfunctioning wheelchairs here]
m- Back to you with some new information: apparently an elephant or a camel has escaped from a zoo in Bulgaria. Our correspondent Eleanor Pink brings you the latest. Eleanor?
e-Yes, Martha the news here as we are told is that an elephant is reported missing and I am standing in front of the presidential palace. As we are waiting for the press conference I asked a vegetable salesman, Zukid Phakrmahoudi [obviously mispronounces the name] to tell us what he thinks.
[camera pans to show an agitated, testosterone-driven guy with a mustache, Eleanor points the microphone at his chest]
Zaher- [a stream of unintelligible words comes out of his mouth; as soon as the first phrase is half way through Eleanor takes the mike away]
e- as you can see, the population is not happy at all, let’s see what the prime minister has to say.
[the next image is of a couple of palm trees in tree pots, a few microphones, a carpet and a door in the background with people coming in and out. Nobody pays attention to the camera, nobody uses the microphones]
m- [voice off] As we expect the press conference to happen any minute. We know now that an elephant or a camel has evaded from the zoo in Bucharest. The minister should arrive any moment now to attend the press conference.
For now we only know that a camel or an elephant are reported missing.
r- Yes, Martha, and it appears that it is the caretaker – we don’t know the name of that person – is the last one to see the animal.
[the image lingers on the screen. nothing is happening]
r- it looks like the conference is imminent, let’s run a summary of the latest.
[back to the studio]
m- The world watches in awe as an elephant disappears from the Baghdad zoo. A caretaker noticed today in the early hours that the animal is missing.
r- and with us in the studio is Mr Benoit Labrador, the internationally acclaimed recently retired expert.
[mr. Labrador, a unspunky-looking elderly bureaucrat, smiles modestly]
m- [continues as r is now out of the picture] Mr Labrador, an elephant is reported missing from the zoo, what do you think is the most likely scenario of the beast’s escape?
l- According to the intelligence we have access to now, it appears that the animal has gone missing some time between when it was last seen and when a caretaker has reported the escape…
m- [cuts him off a little] The caretaker reportedly was about to feed the elephant, what do you make of that? i mean – is it normal that an elephant is fed so early in the morning?
l- In fact, an elephant weighs about…
m- [cuts him off] Sorry to interrupt you Ben, but we now have the press conference live!
[cut to the same scene with microphones and palm trees, nobody is there]
r- [voice off] We now bring you the latest from Budapest where a press conference is about to begin. We are all waiting for the minister – he should be here any moment.
[silence]
[after a while Martha and Benoit start talking again about the escape, in voice off. Martha sais something about how exciting it is to have new technology that brings live news as they happen, every minute of the hour]
to be continued

 

©Bogdan Achimescu 2003